i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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