My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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