you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
