i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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