So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
