Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
