Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Pants are for mortals
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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