When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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