i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
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He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
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You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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