wrigley field is MILF paradise
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
