I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
