it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
