I can't breathe out the right side of my face
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Randomize