Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
