Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
