Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
