I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
