what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
