Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
