hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
