Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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