we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
