I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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