Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
