saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I bet he comes in French.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
