There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
