I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
