remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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