right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize
