At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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