when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
