woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Semen is not good for contacts.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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