i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
