Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
