Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
