God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
