Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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