in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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