i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
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At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
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She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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