you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I think my vagina is haunted
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
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