just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
