based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
