Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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