I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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