the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
