I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Will exercising make me less horny?
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
