she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Randomize
