i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
