I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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