So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
