i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
