I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
did i walk over a car last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize