he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
