I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
