my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
