Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
