Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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