Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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